Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
