Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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