I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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