Who wears a wallet chain?!
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
