i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize