I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
