The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
