and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So much rum. So many feels.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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