You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
