A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
