My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
