We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
