How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
