who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
