I'm gonna have a badass scar
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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