That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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