Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
