Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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