Apparently you make a good broom.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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