I cut my penus on the lid.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
