everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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