If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
