i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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