So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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