I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
