You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
