I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize