I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
