So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
