Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
