I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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