1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
