I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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