if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my nose is crying tears of wow.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
