So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
