Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
