i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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