Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
