somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
