I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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