Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
