So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
