I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
