Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
