new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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