you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
