I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
