I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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