the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
