wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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