Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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