I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
