I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
