Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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