I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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