Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
