i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
