Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just googled if crying burns calories
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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