apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
