is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
