One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
