So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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