Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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