No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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